you must listen to ACamp

Sad enough for three. hundred. I have a complete scholarship, I don't have to pay for a single thing for 4 years, free food, free dorm, free parking. What a relief. disaster. I've been here for almost 2 months. I have recieved 3 emails from Robert. I am still with Curt. We talk almost every other day. But he's the boy who says "I love you but I'm not 'in' love with you. I'm too good, not good enough, for him. I finished my rainbow journal. Almost finished the next, which is the journal I always dreamed of. But all my dreams are different now. There is European fashion of course, which I can't really afford but indulge in anyhow. There is an entire MAC store and a clothing store next door called 'Glam'. But I have saved a thousand dollars since I've been away. I can buy alcohol and cigarettes here...I smoke pot with Tim (host brother) on occasion. But I will 18 in 9 days anyhow. Even my dad forgot. It's hard to think in English anymore. I don't have any friends except the school gay guy. I've lost 7 pounds. I cut my hair obscenly short. I wear lots of foolish makeup. I don't believe in love anymore. I'll be returning on May 14th, the day after Curt's birtday. We are going away to an island together for a few days. i will be working at the Mole Hole again, though I don't need anymore money. But only 5 days a week. I am going to go on vacation for 2 days a week every single week. There is alot to look forward to, but everything in my life has been a let down, so far. My hopes have faded. I still hate the world, I especially hate Germany. No one could understand.

but supposing that you don't have to perfectly understand one another...

now that you aren't beautifully tragic, I don't love you anymore...not the way I did...

ok...online journal....supposed to post in these things once in a while. So bored, so sick...shots of robitussin...i hate curt, i hate robert...what else is new. my visit in ohio is boring and lame, though so is life. and don't i sound friendly...so adieu

I wish I wrote more often...but the feeling to expose my thoughts to everyone online just isn't as appealing anymore. I am more satisfied writing in my own paper journal and just hanging out with Curt. Because everyone else is so easily bored. Why isn't anything exciting anymore? But it doesn't matter...everything is suddenly different again...but this time I don't care as much...because at least I am not alone this time. Not alone by a long shot, I guess. But tomorrow I am going to Ohio for a week. Curt has my cell phone...so don't bother calling it...unless you want to talk to him. I wonder if I will have fun in the snow. I doubt it because unfortunately, grandparents are pretty boring. That phone conversation wasn't even with Curt, which I suppose I knew all along...but he is here now, and we are watching Altar Boys which I think he actually likes.

They'll all love you; you filthy disgusting slut. I wish you were dead. I wish I had killed you.

*please deposit fifty cents for fifteen minutes*


-i have to go.


-josie?


-yeah?


-i love you . and that's a promise.


i'll love you tomorrow. and that's a promise


i'll love you the next day. and that's a promise.


*please deposit fifty cents for fifteen minutes*


...next day. and that's a promise.


this isn't goodbye


*click* "


i think that's the most poetic way to end a telephone conversation that ive ever heard.

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